9.7.08 The Road to Happiness #6 "Deciding to be Happy"
WESTMINSTER PULPIT
The Rev. Dr. David Thompson
September 7, 2008 The Road to Happiness #6: “Deciding To Be Happy”
Robert Frost in his famous poem Provide, Provide said:
Some have relied on what they knew; others on simply being true. What worked for them might work for you. No memory of having starred atones for later disregard or keeps the end from being hard better to go down dignified with boughten friendship at your side than none at all. Provide, Provide.
Barry Neil Kaufman tells the story of a couple who came to see him. The woman was a psychoanalyst the husband was a philosopher, both were very intellectually gifted. But they had a son with special needs. They had gone to many hospitals for help with their son on a quest Kaufman believed to solve their own unhappy response to their son’s condition. They had seen their son’s condition as hopeless. They had seen themselves as failed parents. They didn’t think that they could get comfortable and happy with their son’s situation. They thought that it would take them two lifetimes to work on acceptance of their son and being happy about him the way he was.
The couple believed some things that we all tend to believe that need re-examination. The psychoanalyst believed that it takes years to make significant personal change. The work is often difficult and painful. Some patients are able to change some behaviors but not all. When they do change, they do so in small steps. People have their pasts. They have to contend with their childhood histories. That just can’t be wiped away.
The idea that one could change oneself on the basis of a decision or a series of decisions by choosing new beliefs and a new attitude was simply wrong. The psychoanalyst said to Kaufman “Did you ever consider that you might be wrong?”
Kaufman’s reply is interesting. He doesn’t disparage the work of psychology or psychiatry but he does say that he doesn’t know that truth. His experience is that change can occur in an instant, as a choice and the process does not have to be painful.
He says, “Let’s suppose that my beliefs are not the truth, yet I act on them anyway.” Holding these untruths, he then gives himself an experience of changing dramatically. Nothing about who he is today seems logically connected to the unhappiness, anxiety, and confusion that once permeated his every waking hour. His wife observing these changes in Kaufman adopts the same unrealistic perspective and she too chooses different beliefs and changes her life as well. She too experiences quick and binding transformation. They start to teach these incorrect beliefs to others, that each of us has the power to change and be happier and they too alter lifelong beliefs and attitudes.
Thus what we have here is the psychoanalyst and her philosopher husband holding the “truth” and being “right” and Kaufman teaching something that is false, no matter how helpful and healing. The idea that happiness is a choice and a decision or series of decisions has blessed his life and the lives of many others in wonderful ways with happiness.
Yet the psychoanalyst and her husband holding the “truth” are very unhappy, in fact miserable, believing that it will take two lifetimes for them to change with extended therapies. Kaufman says simply if that is the truth, then I would rather be happy.
Some have relied on what they knew, others on simply being true. What worked for them might work for you.
I think that the truth for me lies somewhere in between. I think that the best psychologists and psychiatrists lead their patients to make decisions that take them out of the mire of their unhappiness. I have little respect for the analyst whose expensive sessions go on forever with the meter running. I believe that we can get a lot of help from a good psychologist. I also have had to refer people diagnosed with chemical imbalances to psychiatrists who have, through drug therapy, been immensely helpful especially in the case of people with bipolar disorders and clinical depression.
I have also seen radical, permanent, immediate, transformation. I remember one man who was very unhappy who experienced religious conversion and his life was changed in a flash. I put that down to God.
We should also note the experience of St Paul in the Bible. On the Damascus road he experienced transformation. It was radical and complete. He, a former persecutor of the church, became its greatest advocate after meeting with Jesus Christ on the Road to Damascus. I cannot imagine him before his decision being able to write I Corinthians 13—the love chapter. “Love does not keep a scorecard of wrongs but delights itself only in the truth.” Imagine him writing that before he met Christ! I don’t think so!
It seems to me that the Bible deeply respects our personal choices either way. If it is our intention to be unhappy, that is what happens to us because it is our choice. If I believe that, the truth is that I cannot change even in two lifetimes then that will become my reality. “As a man thinks, so is he,” said Jesus.
When we are dealing with people who fall afoul of the law we often say that that person ‘made poor choices.’ We are after all free to choose aren’t we? The Bible encourages us to choose well from Genesis to Revelation.
In Psalm One the righteous man makes good choices: 1) Not to follow the advice of wicked people. Happiness does not lead that way. 2) The good person does not linger in company that will drag them down with temptation into making bad choices. Don’t hang around with those folks who are making poor choices for it will rub off says the psalmist. Happiness does not lead that way.
I used to have a clerk of session who once was a very good salesperson. He said, “One mistake I never make. I don’t sit in the company of those salespersons who tell one bad news story after another.” He said, “I always look for the winners—people who are successful and live lives of compassion and joy, and I associate myself with them. I take counsel from them. When I do that instead of keeping company with people who see themselves as failures, I do a lot better.” The psalmist would get that.
3) Don’t sit in the company of scorners. Scorning others does not lead to happiness. Don’t go there. Don’t make that decision.
Rather the psalmist would have us delight in God. St Paul said, “Fill your minds with everything that is true, everything that is noble, everything that is good and pure, everything that we love and honor and everything that can be thought virtuous and worthy of praise.” Now that is a decision!
Unhappiness is also a decision making process. Kaufman says that most of us have been taught systematically to use unhappiness as a strategy to motivate and protect others and ourselves. He says that we can un-teach ourselves in an instant and begin anew. For instance, if we choose not to believe that a supposed crisis or problem will be bad for us. That is saying no to unhappiness. If we drop our judgments of people we see as adversaries, that is saying no to unhappiness. If we decide not to use anger to motivate our friends or coworkers or those we love—that is saying no to unhappiness. These are simple decisions, to say no to unhappiness and yes to happiness.
Note what Jesus does in the Be Happy Attitudes we find in St. Matthew. They are all decisions that lead to happiness. Be humble enough to serve; be gentle; people who are happy let themselves grieve over the loss of a loved one but God will comfort them; long to do what is right. You shall be satisfied.
The road to happiness has way stops along it for mercy. If we want mercy then we have to give mercy. Whom are you holding back mercy from with your judgment? Happiness does not lie in judgment. Therefore, you are right and unhappy. So what?
Happiness lies in being pure in heart. Let’s ask God to cleanse the thoughts of our hearts and then experience the happiness of letting go of old resentments. Don’t judge another person. We all have our own work to do on ourselves. Loving ourselves means letting go of resentments. The pure in heart all do that and there is a bonus coming—to see God.
Do you want to find happiness? Be a peacemaker not a warmonger. Bring people together. This entitles you to be a son or daughter of God. This is what God is actually like. God is a peacemaker not a God of war. It is the Prince of Peace that represents the nature of God. Not Mars the God of war. Peacemaking is on the Road to happiness.
And remember if you get persecuted for being a good person in the cause of right you will inherit God’s kingdom. Jesus said, “In my Father’s House are many mansions. If it were not so I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you that where I am you will be as well. My peace I give unto You. Not as the world gives give I unto You. Therefore, don’t make the decision to have your hearts unhappy. Don’t permit them to be afraid.”
We can decide to make happiness the priority, we can decide to dare to be ourselves we can choose to live in the present moment, we can be grateful and we can be nonjudgmental. These are all ways of deciding to be happy. Make happiness your number one priority. Dare to be yourself! Be authentic! Choose to live in the present moment where God lives. In all things give thanks, GRATITUDE! Let go of your judgments: Non judgment! Decide to be happy!
You too can become what you have noticed in other people! Happier people tend to be authentic grateful, present and nonjudgmental…
With apologies to Robert Frost:
Better to live happy lives With Divine friendship at your side than not at all. Decide. Decide!
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