10-21-07 Domestic Violence: How Can We Help
WESTMINSTER PULPIT
The Rev. Dr. David Thompson
October 21, 2007 "Domestic Violence: How Can We Help”
This past week I received a joke by email. It was billed as the best in-store sign ever. The sign read: “Children left unattended will be given an espresso and a free puppy.”
The subject of Domestic violence has been largely left unattended by pulpits. I think that this is so because the remedies are complex and the subject itself is difficult to talk about. Fortunately we have a dedicated elder in the church that drew to my attention that the month of October in the United States is Domestic Violence Awareness Month and that the 21st day of October is the Sunday when pastors are asked to preach on Domestic Violence awareness issues. When I got into this subject I discovered why many pulpits leave this matter unattended.
I speak to you in the name of the One God who created men and women in the Divine image as equals. I have two texts today:
“God created human beings in the image of God’s self, in the image of God, God created them male and female.” (Genesis 1) And from St Paul, “Give way to one another in obedience to Christ. Wives should regard their husbands as they regard the Lord, since as Christ is head of the church and saves the whole body, so is a husband the head of his wife; and as the church submits to Christ, so should wives to their husbands in everything. Husbands should love their wives just as Christ loved the church and sacrificed himself for her to make her holy, each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself; and let every wife respect her husband.” St Paul in Ephesians 5.
She was a pastor’s daughter in Hawaii and as far as the congregation knew she was happily married to her husband. But her husband had two sides to him. One side was for the world and the church, the smiling perfect father, the other was the man he became at home. At home he threatened her and was abusive. One night, after a long pattern of abuse, she left home telling him “it’s over” for her, she couldn’t take it anymore, she took their little child into the car and drove to her Father’s place. When she got there her husband was there waiting for her with a knife saying that he was going to kill her father. He took a knife to her father attempting to blind him. The pastor finally subdued him saving his own life and that of his daughter and perhaps of the child as well.
When the pastor recovered from the attack he confessed to his congregation that he had never ever preached on domestic violence before. He began to preach on the subject and soon the congregation purchased a safe house for abused women. Now he says, “Nothing gets him angrier than other pastors who teach that abused women should forgive their husbands and not provoke them and do so with justifications from the Scripture.”
How bad is the problem of domestic violence? In the time period of the Vietnam war 58,000 soldiers were killed. In the same period 54,000 women were murdered by their husbands according to the documentary Broken Vows put out by the Faith Trust Institute.
A recent study finds that almost half of women are impacted by Domestic Violence in their adult lives. Simple assault is the most frequent offence. Murder accounted for less than one half of one percent of all family violence between 1998 and 2002. Almost half of the 3.5 million victims of family violence between 1998 and 2002 were spouses. Fewer than 100 died as a result. 73% of the victims were female, 75% of offenders were male. Most violence happened in or near the victim’s home. 74% of the victims were white. Most were between the ages of 25-54. Approximately one in five people murdered in 2002 were killed by a family member.
The most common method used to murder females was handguns. Alaska ranks first in the nation in the number of women killed by men.
The PCUSA social witness study says that four million women suffer from domestic violence every year and 4.8 million are raped by their intimate partner. PCUSA defines domestic violence under several large categories: emotional abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse, child abuse, elder abuse, sibling abuse, dating violence and child molestation. The picture is grim. But that is not the whole story. There is some good news.
· The rate of family violence fell by more than half between 1993 and 2002. From 5.4 victims per thousand it fell to 2.1 family victims per thousand. Why is this the case? I believe that it is not one simple answer but a multi factor answer.
· Our police are doing a better and better job on Domestic Violence calls. Now on a 911 domestic violence call they try to sort out who committed the violence and take that party to jail. It could be male or female. They don’t assume any more. When the victims get to court the judges, generally speaking, are better educated and more aware and enforcement usually follows.
· Faith based programs seem to be working for both the victims and the perpetrators. Churches are getting involved and training their staff and leadership about domestic violence.
· Workplace programs are being instituted and employees male and female are being trained to recognize the symptoms.
· Psychologists and marriage therapists have learned not to counsel couples involved in domestic violence together.
· Counselors, pastors, doctors and agencies are learning that SAFETY is the first and foremost concern.
· Cities and communities are becoming more aware providing secure accommodation for battered women. There are now more recently houses for men in faith based programs.
· Race is a factor as well. Black women are more frequently physically abused than white women. White women report more verbal abuse. White middle class men are more deterred by court appearances and threats of jail than black men and lower class men who are already in the jail system. African American women do not see the courts as helping them stay safe. Their trust depends on the community and especially their church.
What role should the church play? The Presbyterian Church USA is very specific. You can find the document on domestic violence on the PCUSA website under The Advisory Committee on Social Witness policy.
Here are some highlights: Safety is the number one consideration. The stats are grim here. 75% of women who are murdered by their husbands get murdered when they announce that they are leaving the relationship. If they are to leave there must be a safe haven for them. We are not to counsel them to leave without a safe secure haven for them to go to.
We must listen to victims and not assume that it is their fault. We must respect their autonomy and right to make their decisions when they are ready. We must respect their confidentiality and offer God’s grace and hope for healing.
The PCUSA also cares about the abuser. For modern progressive churches generally, physical violence ends the marriage bond. It used to be only infidelity could end the marriage bond and this is still taught in many conservative churches. However the Presbyterian national church says that Churches are to be clear: Violent behavior is unacceptable and must stop. The abuser is to be encouraged to tell the truth, accept responsibility and to reject rationalizations and blaming the victim. Concrete action must be taken by the abuser in the form of treatment. The church can offer forgiveness but only after true repentance and a commitment to discipleship. False repentance followed by renewed abuse does not cut it anymore.
Now let’s see what the Scriptures actually teach on this subject. In Jesus’ day, all a man had to do was say to his wife “I divorce you” three times and the marriage was over. Women were legal property and chattels. Judaism was patriarchal as a religion. If there was adultery it was always the woman’s fault if a couple were caught in the act. One such case came before Jesus and they wanted to stone the woman to death. Jesus said, “Let the person who is without sin cast the first stone” and the crowd of would be executioners melted away.
Jesus had wonderful relationships with women. He was close to Mary Magdalene as we find out in the Resurrection story. Jesus gave women the greatest news in the entire world, of his Resurrection on Easter day.
The passage before us today is often used by abusive men who say that they are Christians. They say, based on this passage that wives are to obey them in everything. Of course they forget how the passage begins where it says, “Give way to one another in obedience to Christ!”
St. Paul is still in a patriarchal society when he writes this and so he does something quite wonderful with these patriarchal assumptions. He says, “A man is to love his wife as Christ loved the church and gave his life for the church.” Now Christ was a servant to the church while still being its head. Thus headship according to St. Paul is not about power at all. It is about service. So if you are the head of your wife according to St. Paul you are her servant. We are to remember as men that Christ taught us that the one who was the greatest was the one who served.
Now let’s look at the end of the chapter in Ephesians. Men are to love their wives as their own bodies because they are one with them. In return women are to respect their husbands.
What Paul is teaching here in a patriarchal context is a mutual esteem between the sexes. And because of patriarchy he does it the only way he can by turning the headship into servant hood.
When he does this he is reaching back to the earliest scriptural statement about human beings: that we were all made male and female, equal; in the image of God. That earliest text is so liberating!
Remember as well that Paul said in Galatians 3: 28 that “in Christ there is no male nor female, no Jew nor Greek, no slave nor free person, we are all one.” For St. Paul, for a man to love himself is to love his wife. There is no abuse in that teaching; no power over; no oppression and no permission for oppression.
The model for the “man’s man” is Jesus of Nazareth. He was gentle but no pushover; compassionate but not a wimp; kind but he held people accountable. He believed in justice for the poor and the oppressed and he was a friend to women and respectful of them.
In Malcolm Gladwell’s book The Tipping Point he demonstrates that a trend can take off similar to an infectious disease. After the disease reaches a tipping point it can become a pandemic. He cites the drop in crime in New York City as an example of a downward spike that happened after a tipping point was reached. There is in a tipping point a multiplicity of factors that are at work. I think that we can consider the issue of Domestic Violence in the same way. We can create a tipping point that will lead to a downward spike. But how?
Through legislation, the teaching of self esteem for men and women in programs that we support like Women’s Empowerment, (I wish that there was a comparable program for men here in Sacramento), through our court systems, with the help of our police officers, through teaching in our churches that violence ends the marriage before God, through faith based support programs, through the creation of safe houses and crisis centers for women and for men, through government funded programs and training in the workplace and in our schools, I believe that we will one day create a tipping point where it will no longer be acceptable for a man to physically abuse a woman. The day will be over when a man does this because he can. The day will be over when women of low self esteem return to their men of low self esteem and are the first to visit them in jail. Domestic Violence will become a taboo. It will become unmanly, and men will become truly not just “a man’s man”, but “God’s man” in relationship with his helpmate and equal partner as co creators with God.
Some day soon women who can also be the aggressors in domestic violence will deal with their low self esteem and end their family history for permission for violence.
Someday soon the tipping point will come and as Isaiah says, “The Lion will lie down with the lamb and a little child shall lead them.” Believe it and it will happen. That is what faith is all about. With God all things are possible!
One last point! It has been my experience in life to know some very courageous women who have recovered from domestic violence. Today they have their self esteem in tact. They do not play the victim. They do not carry anger trying to bring men down; in fact they love men and seek the company of good men. In other words they have become resilient. They were in my former congregation and they are in this congregation and they have my deepest respect. I have talked to some of you in the preparation of this sermon. I want to thank you for continuing to believe in love and life and hope and good men.
I also know of some men in my former congregation and in this congregation who were abusers. They have given it up. They have gone to anger management classes and have discovered true self esteem does not mean “power over.” They have found a mentor in Jesus of Nazareth and the way this man treated women and they have become kind instead. Miracles do happen.
The grace of God is wonderful, God can heal and forgive and renew men and women. That is what the Gospel is really about.
Before I left my last church I saw two men who had abused their wives sitting together. They were separated from their wives but they had found each other as men and had become friends. In both cases it was too late for that first relationship. They had put off getting help too long. But their spouses were recovering well. Their spouses had moved out of victim-hood into self esteem.
The night was Christmas Eve and they were in the church together, although their former wives were seated in different pews. I saw them all from the front where I was sitting as their pastor. They were all singing Christmas Carols, still maintaining the faith that had kept them going as individuals through the crisis of collapsed marriages. And they were all now choosing resilience and the way of Jesus as the way forward.
If you are a victim of abuse or an abuser, or a counselor or a police person, or pastor, or a medical doctor, or a school teacher, or a magistrate or work for an agency of some kind, the way of Jesus is the way of genuine repentance, genuine forgiveness, true self esteem, servant-hood and Grace. The way of Jesus is rebirth, hope and new possibilities. Resilience is all of these things taken together. Those who recover from domestic abuse as former victims or former abusers are our greatest teachers when they plumb the depths of Christian faith to recover radiance, hope and joy.
Today I want to express my gratitude to those of you who have been through the valley of the shadow of death and have feared no evil, for you walked that valley in the greatest company in all the world… that of the Good Shepherd and today your cup runs over and the promise is that goodness and mercy shall follow you for the rest of your life...
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