08.12.07 Christian Reflections on the Secret #7 The Secret to Relationships
WESTMINSTER PULPIT
The Rev. Dr. David Thompson
August 12, 2007 “Christian Reflections on The Secret” #7 The Secret To Relationships
Text: “Master which is the greatest commandment of the law?” Jesus said, “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. The second resembles it: You must love your neighbor as yourself. On these two commandments hang the whole law and the prophets.”
Many of us were taught as children and young people to put ourselves last. So we grew up feeling unworthy and that feeling of unworthiness is very hard to turn around into self worth. But what does the Bible actually say? In this greatest of commandments with which we begin we find that we are to love ourselves as a basis for loving others. On this hangs the law and the prophets. In other words the love of God, self and neighbor pull a tremendous amount of freight in our Christian faith. Yet many of us were told that to love ourselves was somehow selfish.
Self love is not selfish; in fact it is foundational to all relationships. If we don’t love God, self and neighbor all together and at the same time, we will get ourselves into trouble. If we don’t love ourselves, our love of God and neighbor will be incomplete. So self love is absolutely vital to all our relationships.
The chapter on relationships in The Secret, in my opinion, is one of the strongest in the book. It teaches us that our first job is us. In any relationship it is important, to understand who is coming into the relationship and it’s not just our partner. We need to understand that we bring ourselves into every relationship. Do we treat ourselves the way we want others to treat us?
The Secret Team says that when we feel bad about ourselves it feels as though the life is being sucked out of us. When we don’t feel good about ourselves we attract more people, situations and circumstances that will continue to make us feel bad about ourselves. We attract what we think about.
The Secret Team says that our actions are the result of our most powerful thoughts and feelings. Sometimes our actions are the very opposite of what we say we are trying to attract into our lives.
A woman wanting to attract a mate learned that her actions were contradicting her desires. For instance where would her proposed mate park his car? There was room in her garage for two cars, but where he would park was full of junk! She slept in the middle of her bed, which was a double bed that she was treating as a single bed. Her closet was full of clothes. There was no place for her ideal mate to put his clothes. So she tidied up the garage and parked on “her side”. She emptied half of the closet and kept her clothes on “her side”. She moved over in the bed and slept on “her side” of the bed leaving space for her partner.
She related this story to Mike Dooley author of Infinite Possibilities over a dinner and sitting next to her at the table was her perfect partner. Rhonda Byrne writes: “After taking all of these powerful actions and acting as if she had already received her perfect partner, he arrived in her life and they are now happily married.” Coincidence or intentional actions?
There is a very important section in this chapter by Marci Shimoff who teaches self esteem for women. It’s about complaining about others we are in relationship with. She says in order for relationships to work we need to focus on what we appreciate about the other person, not what we are complaining about. If we complain about things we will only get more of those behaviors from that person. Is that what we really want?
Why do we complain about others? This is a complex question and not easy to answer. Some of us complain about others in order to draw attention to ourselves. We have learned that the negative always gets more play than the positive. If you wish to read an interesting take on this pick up the Celestine Prophecy and look at the section on energy.
I have counseled many a woman who wanted to fix her man. One of these women married a man who wasn’t quite right for her but she thought that she could fix him. So she began a campaign of complaint. Now in my experience most men don’t handle complaint very well. In fact if her intention was to fix him she probably chose the worst possible way. She told him every day what was wrong with him.
According to “The Secret to Relationships” what was she actually doing by behaving like this? She was attracting more of what she didn’t like into her life because she was so negative. Sure she got his attention with the complaint but the marriage went downhill fast. Why?
In my experience men don’t really “fix” like that. We fix another way altogether and The Secret knows this. The best way to work with a man, or any partner male or female, is to learn how to appreciate them. When we appreciate the strengths of a person, rather than focusing our attention on their weaknesses, we get more of their strengths and the weaknesses fade away. There are some very wise older women in Westminster who know this. They are very good with men. In fact they love them and appreciate them. When the men are appreciated they will do anything for these women. That is The Secret at work. Whatever we sow we reap, says St. Paul. Whenever we complain the buck has to stop somewhere, so it always comes back to the one who started the complaint.
In Galatians, chapter five, St. Paul speaks of self indulgence meaning selfishness; the very opposite of self love. In a list of sins of self indulgence he list feuds, wrangling, bad temper, quarrels disagreements and factions. These are all forms of behaviors that begin with complaining. So when we complain about another we are actually engaging in self indulgence. What a concept! Thank-you St. Paul!
St. Paul warns against this in very strong terms. He says; “Those who behave like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.” Why? Because the Kingdom of God is not of this nature. What is its nature?
St. Paul says what the Spirit brings is very different: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, trustfulness, gentleness and self control. We can’t get to these virtues by indulging ourselves picking fruit in the fields of complaint. Then he goes to the law of attraction when he says whatever we sow we reap. If we sow in the field of self indulgence we will get a harvest of corruption. Thus complaining about another hurts ourselves as well as the other person. It is all bad. However If we sow in a field of Spirit by putting out peaceful thoughts, kind thoughts, trustful thoughts, gentle actions, we will reap a harvest of eternal life because the Spirit is our life! What we put out returns to us. It is all good.
What The Secret Team would say is in agreement then with St. Paul: Focus only on the things you love, feel love, and you will experience that love and joy coming back to you. As you radiate love it will appear as if the entire universe is doing everything for you, moving every joyful thing to you, and moving every good person to you.
St. Paul, writing to the Corinthian Church in his most famous passage of all, says, “Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous, boastful or conceited, rude or selfish. It doesn’t take offence. It is not resentful. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes.” That was his vision for the church at Corinth to be like.
This passage is often read at weddings for good reason. Marriages are the same as churches in some respects. But have you ever thought of using this passage as a reality check as to how we are to love ourselves? We must be patient and kind with ourselves. We must be always ready to excuse and to trust and to hope. Self sacrifice doesn’t cut it with St. Paul, unless we love. We can even give our bodies to be burned for some noble cause, but if we do not have love it will do us no good whatsoever. For St. Paul, love trumps everything and without love we have nothing. Why?
Because love is of God, God is love and when we are on the wavelength of love we attract more love into our lives. When we are full of self love rather than need love we are able to give to others. How exciting is that! That is why the love of self is in the big three; love of God, self and neighbor!
Let me summarize The Secret here: When we want to attract a relationship we need to make sure that our thoughts, words, actions and surroundings don’t contradict our desired goals. Our job number one is ourselves. Unless we are full up with self love we will have nothing to give to another person. Treating ourselves with love and respect will attract people who show us love and respect. When we feel bad about ourselves we block the love and instead attract more people and situations that will continue to make us feel bad about ourselves. To make a relationship work we focus on what we appreciate about the other person and not our complaints. When we focus on the strengths we will get more of them.
One last word from Alan Cohen’s delightful book Dare to be Yourself: He has discovered that one of the best indicators of our self love is how we receive compliments. When we think about it a compliment is the opposite of a complaint. Why are we so afraid of them? Is it because we are so used to complaints? Is it because we are Type A Personalities who are too hard on ourselves all the time? Is it because our self esteem is so low that when we are given a compliment we believe that it cannot possibly be true? That the person who compliments us couldn’t possibly mean it, so they must have an agenda?
Cohen writes: “In some of my workshops I offer a demonstration of the ways we receive compliments. I ask each participant to stand before the group, one at a time and receive compliments from the others. At that point a wave of fear rolls through the group, so large you could surf on it. You would think that I was asking them to stand before a firing squad. But it is not a firing squad but an inspiring squad. It is an exercise in giving and receiving love. But part of our mind is so afraid of being exposed as a bad person, that when someone seeks to expose us to honor our goodness, we run like the dickens. Here are some of the ways I have seen people handle compliments.” “That’s a lovely shirt you are wearing!” “It’s a nice print, but I don’t think it fits quite well.” “Congratulations on losing twenty pounds!” “I still have ten to go.” “Thank-you for counseling me yesterday!” “Don’t thank me thank God.”
Cohen writes: “The greatest gift you can give someone who is complimenting you is to receive their love with an open heart. They want to bless you, and in your receiving their tribute you are also blessed. Accepting a compliment gracefully is one of the most powerful ways to expand love in the world and bring heaven to earth.”
May we all at Westminster live by the Spirit. Then we will choose peaceful thoughts, kind thoughts, truthful thoughts and gentle actions of love and so fulfill the greatest commandment of them all; To love the lord our God with all our heart our mind and our strength and our neighbor as ourselves.
Thank-you for listening so well, you always do and it is a great gift you offer each week to anyone who speaks from the Westminster pulpit. May God richly bless you, make His face to shine upon you and give you PEACE!
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